At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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