im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
