He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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