I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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