the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
