I think I won the penis lottery.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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