dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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