I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
