what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How does it feel to date your dad?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
