How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
