somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How's work?
Spinning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
