If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
