guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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