If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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