I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
