I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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