Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
