i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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