How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
