I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
