nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.