I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
