I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
