genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
