I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
