seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
