My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
