my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
