you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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