I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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