I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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