she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
