so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
