His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
