The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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