A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
