She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
