I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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