I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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