Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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