You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
