let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
