It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
