i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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