i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
