There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
