Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
