I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
