She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
