Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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