Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My cat gives me a boner
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
