That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
