so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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