I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
