and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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