Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
